Chitupa's story on her parent's death
I know, i know. It sounds perhaps morbid but they died. They both died. Not together. But they died. I could say it was a surprise but we are all going to die – so NO it wasn’t a surprise in that sense. I knew they would die some time but not THEN, not so soon.
The death of my parents.
I wish someone would write a simple book on death. What to expect, what to say, what to do, how to feel, and particularly how to live again, WITHOUT your loved ones.
I am sure someone has, but i guess when does one buy such a book, before or after the death of a loved one? !!! Before, seems rather macabre and afterwards, one doesn't feel like reading such a book.
After close to one year of grieving my father's death, i come across a novel and one paragraph hits me straight between the eyes. It says you assuredly miss the person who has died but if you had a close and long relationship with the person who died, you also lose a peice of yourself. WOW, how profound. 11 months after my father has died and i now get that i have also been grieving the LOSS OF MYSELF. The loss of myself as a daughter - the eldest daughter, my loss as WDM's confidant and trusted one. My loss of a relationship to WDM. Whose daughter am i now? Whose confidant am i now? Who will i have little arguments with and still know that that person loves me unconditionally? I am now clearer, though that does not diminish the grief i feel. My father was BIG in my life and shall continue being so.
My Journey of grief since that day: February 17th, 2014
I am grieving the loss of my father and i am feeling confused, perplexed and a little selfishly pissed off that he chose to exit this life, right now. He promised Monique (his eldest randdaughter) that he would be here for her wedding to give her away, but he died when she was only 15 years old! I look at my friends continuing to lead their lifes and i feel like a big, long, fat (the american kind) truck has just hit me. After the first few days of mourning with me, my friends don't broach the subject of my father's death with me. I find this very strange. It appears that i must suck this in and move on, but i can't and i don't.
In any event, my father has exited this realm of my current reality.
When my mother died i was eight months preganant, and when i look at photos of me with my second child, up until the age of about two, i honestly cannot remember it. I was so numb and out of it that i just went through the motions for two years. I thought that with the death of my father i would be used to it or at least a bit more ready for it, but death doesn't work that way. Every loss is a great loss for so many different reasons.
As i write this i have just come back from the hospital after having done a colonoscopy and gatroscopy. Since my father has died i have had a runny and bubbly stomach. That is ten months of a runny stomach and every doctor says i am medically fine - (my organs are GREAT). I have been for tests and nothing of significance shows up. I have been on antibiotics and they don't work. I have lost a bunch of weight and none of my clothes are fitting me. Now i know at some deep unmeasurable medical level that all emotions sit at the 'gut' level. I know because i have read dozens of Louis Hayes books etc, etc and on top of this i know the signs from my coach clients. Dr. Martha Beck has spoken about this and all of my great mentors have explained to me that what i have is a big case of not being able to digest my father's death very well! And there i was thinking i had some life threatening disease to justify perhaps why i am feeling like crap, and expelling so much crap.
As i am feeling very soooory for myself - ( And i DO have the right to feel sorry for myself don't i???), I am reading a book called: "The Circle Of Fire" by Don Miguel Ruiz. ) His books are ALL fab by the way.) He talks about his brush with the death of angel and how after that he embarks on a journey of embracing life, and what I, Chitupa, get from this book is that the new journey he embarks upon is all about LIFE. It is about this life, right now and right here. It is about how we are all a manifestation of GOD and so not only are we physical manifestations of GOD, but because of that, we are all LOVE. And because we are all LOVE we can see love and God in everyone and everything. This is a book that speaks to me greatly right now. I am committed to being here in this life in a very present, very Godlike manner and very full of Love. After ten months of grieving , I feel that i have been in a whirlwind with the angel of death. In these same months i have also been the executress of my father's Estate and it has not been an easy process. After reading this book, i ask the angel of death to go elsewhere. It is through this death that i feel i have now found a new lease on THIS life. But it has taken a while to get here through all the tears, and some days are better than others. I have to be brutally honest and say that some days i still feel flat and on most days I wish my father and mother were still here! As i see the smiles of my three daughters i am starting to feel better each day.
So now as i am coming up to the first memorial year of my father's death: 17/2/2015, I shall focus on my father's and mother's legacy. They wanted the very best opportunities for their children and granddaughters as well as to be an inspiration for people to live their full potential. I shall commit to growing this legacy every day. Now I shall also focus on my own legacy and in creating a legacy that is there for my children and my grandchildren. I am here with the ANGEL OF LIFE. Some days are easier than others but i am now confident that whatever i do, it shall be from a space of love, honoring and respecting the legacy of the Mung'omba's.
La vie continue, avec l'esprit!
Carpe Deim!
An excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz'z book:
The Circle Of Fire by Don Miguel Ruiz
(State today's date)
The day of the Lord
when the divinity returns to me
when living my free will
and with all the power of my spirit
I decide to live my life
in free communion with God
and with no expectations
I will live my life with gratitude
love, loyalty and justice
beginning with myslef
and continuing with my brothers and sisters
I will respect all creation
as the symbol of my love communion
with the One who created me
to the eternal happiness of humanity.
Chitupa's words
This day i will be present in the lives of my children
everyday.
This day i will be present in the live's of everyone i come across.
I will do my best to LIVE FULLY in this life
I will do my best to LOVE FULLY in this life
I will do so as a testament to the loving and full lives of both my parents and
I will do so so that my children and grandchildren can easily embrace living and loving freely in this life.
